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By Lisa Garmezy
Dr. Elizabeth Richeson's website links to the banner "My honor student was murdered." She asked Texas psychologists to retell her granddaughter's story in support of National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week, Feb. 1-5.
Jennifer's ex shot her in Austin in 2006. Her father warns, "She was murdered by a classmate. Somebody that she'd grown to know, trust and eventually date. She was murdered by somebody that had problems. Problems that at the invincible age of 18, Jennifer thought that she could overcome."
Bad Romance
Jennifer wasn't alone. Nine percent of Houston high school students report being hit, slapped or physically hurt by a dating partner. The perpetrator is as likely to be female as male, as likely to be gay as straight. Both sexes simply lack the skills to handle conflict in healthier ways.
Separate out relationships where serious injury occurs, and the victim is far more likely to be female. Nationally, young women aged 16-24 experience higher rates of intimate violence than any other group. In 2008, ten died in Texas.
While adults in violent relationships are often trapped by economics, adolescent relationships are different. Friends play a bigger role. Boys are more likely than adult men to get violent in front of other people-they don't want to be disrespected. Teens may stay because they don't want to lose the peer group that goes with the relationship.
Some reasons cross age barriers. It's easier to settle for an abuser if having a romantic partner is worth any sacrifice. Low self-esteem is a factor. So is growing up with family violence.
Also, since teens by nature are seeking independence-they have to, to make their own way in the world-they're programmed to have a hard time admitting a mistake or asking for help.
Recognizing the Danger
Teach young people that threatening a partner, calling him or her names, spreading rumors, putting humiliating posts on Facebook, and circulating private pictures are all abusive. So are destroying a partner's possessions, or controlling her money or phone. Constantly monitoring someone's whereabouts via texts or calls can be part of the picture. Isolating the victim from family and friends is a danger signal that's very significant to teens.
Insisting on sex on demand or sex acts your partner doesn't want signals abuse, as do pushing for a pregnancy or prohibiting birth control. A history of violence and serious substance use are never good signs.
Ask teens what happens when they and their partners fight. Girls can't express themselves by slapping and throwing things. First, it's wrong, and second, their bigger, stronger partners may retaliate. Teens ducking the flying objects need to be able to keep calm or leave.
Raise awareness, but don't blame the victim. In particular, parents who are appalled by their daughters' apparent easy sexuality forget she may have been coerced. Most young women know their rapists. Most of their rapes happen in their homes or a friend's home.
Beyond ‘Drop Him'
A smitten kid may continue to see the predator she's been told to dump, or he may decide not to let her go. So as with drugs and sex, saying "no" is not enough.
Coach teens to manage the risk. Are helpful phone numbers stored in the human memory as well as the electronic version? Money, the phone and car keys need to be kept close at hand.
Encourage asking for help. The victim may want to create a code word that tells a trusted friend or adult, "I need help now." High-risk break-ups are best managed in public places, or remotely.
If it's your own child, establish that if she feels unsafe you'll come get her at any hour, from any place, with no questions asked. Parents must teach, by their actions and words, that love and control are not the same thing.
All Texas high schools are now required to have prevention and assistance programs. Protective orders can be issued in cases of teen dating violence when needed. Every officer on the street builds helps when he or she promotes healthy nonviolent choices to kids.
The 24-7 National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (English or Spanish) is 1-866-331-9474. TTY service is 1-866-331-8453. They have an online peer-to-peer chat every night at loveisrespect.org.
For more resources, see hawc.org or chooserespect.org, where you can send out e-cards. Read the National Institute of Justice report at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij (search "dating violence"). Jenniferann.org sums it up-help teens get smart; get help; get out.
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